A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
