Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
