i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
