i think my tv is drunk
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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