I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
