PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
