Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
