is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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