ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
whose parrot is this?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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