when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
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oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
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Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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