I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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