I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
