I accidentally had phone sex last night
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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