Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize