i permit you to call me
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
