I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
