Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
