Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You need a sexual gate keeper
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
