I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
