I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
