thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
