I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
