I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
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Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.