tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
