There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
