ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
