so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Come on in and take your pants off
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