I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
