last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
