Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
