weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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