So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
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My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
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I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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