every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
