Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
