Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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