and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
