I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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