plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
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So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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