I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
