I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
