He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
