i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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