dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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