From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
