Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I forget how to act sober
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
