i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
