i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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