My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
A+ Viking dick
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
