I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
