If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
