I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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