i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
