If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
