Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
