i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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