you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
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Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
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Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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