You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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