It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
