next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
