my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
