thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
