wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
