She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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